June 12 @ 10:37PM

Lots of thoughts tonight I guess...

My most recent one being - what if I never left Syracuse...

1.) I would be closer to Mark and could see him more often and practically any time i wanted to
2) Maybe i would still be close to Nikki...and Nathan and scott...friends whom I've all lost touch with that I really wihs I hadn't - a big regret i still have is not telling them that i was leaving - i realize that's aruning trend with me now...even with jobs i hate to tell people i'm leaving...so i just leave in the middle of the night...in a white SUV with all my shit...
3) i might have gone to london...with everyone else...
4) maybe I would have gotten into newhouse...maybe I would have been amazing...

but maybe i wouldn't have been as happy

and speaking of regrets, it still takes me back to the biggest regret i've had a ll my life - not talking to him...because of her...
and it's not her fault and i know that...i made a big deal out of nothing and i will regret it everyday for my life...i'm not sure wether i was actually sad and angry about it - which i'm sure i was - or just looking for attention...but i cast them both out to sea, and they had no one to cling to but each other...so i guess instead of trying to break down the relationship, i essentially created it...and who was i to claim him in the first place...it's all too complicated to think about...

I remember talking to mark the other night about my most favorite summer and memories from it...it was the summer before senior year in high school before we went to italy..countless trips to starbucks and the brand new fountains, and driving around while the cost of gas was barely above 2 dollars...probably 1.50 if anything...and chilling at the house while my parents were at the lake house, and having people over any time i wanted to to watch weird videos and trips to the lakehouse with friends, and trampoline and sprinkler adventures...i can't believe with one trip overseas it went down hill...

and now after looking at all these pictures, i feel so lost - like i missed out on everything...like all i have now is a boyfriend and i'm the housewife that watched all of her friends graduate and move on, while i never amounted to anything...i don't want to be like that - but yet, there it is...

my main goal in life is just to associate with amazing people - i really do want to be famous...i want people to know who i am, and i want to do it because yes, i want people to look back and know me for the person taht i was and recognize me as the person that i am now and realize how fabulous i was...

I don't know why i want to be famous and beautiful and all of that crap, but it's there and i want it and things like that seem so unattainable as i just sit in my bedroom on my mac and just blog about random things...

while all my high school friends are back at their schools catching up on classes for the summer, i'm stuck here doing nothing except blogging...and while yes, i'm doing 2 internships, sometimes i have to wonder - what is it all for? what if i never do go into radio? these are the things that i thought of today while i was filling out the paperwork? is it all worth it to be on the street team? will it all be worth it when i'm filling out a contract to be on air? will it ever be worth it to fill out a contract to be on air, because is that where i want to be?

or am i made to be a celebrity makeup artist...? am i meant to be among the weatlhy and beautiful people like i have always wanted to...and where does that leave me with mark and i? I want to be with him...and the scary part is that id be willing to give it all up if it meant staying with him...
i'm realizing mroe and more i'm becoming a person that i don't want to be - a person that is so in love with someone that she just wants to stay with him, and i feel like i'm losing all my intelligence...and i'm concentrating on stupid stuff like being beautiful and wanting to be popular and seeing my face all over the magazines...

i'm not going to talk about how pop culture and that type of stuff affects this conversation because it doesn't and i think that would just add to the rambling on which i can't do anymore of at this point...
but i do wonder about all of the changes that i made in my life - even claudia moved onto georgetown and is having the time of her life there, while it seems like emerson - i don't even know if it was the right choice - i mean - it definitely was for my career, but what about friends and stuff? maybe it's just because i don't enjoy doing what other people enjoy doing like drinking and going crazy...i look at caity and emily and they 're so much different than i was at their age, and i think it's just scary to see in front of me how much i'm growing up, and how fast it's happening...i know one day i really will wakeup and i'll be 50...
which is why i try my hardes to write these stupid blogs and try and get them to work, - i want to document everyday of my life, but it's barely enough to try and keep up with life while you're living it then going home at night and trying to write all about what you did that day...
maybe as life becomes more and more routine, it will become easier because there are less feelings and less things to write about...

i just want my life to continue to be exciting...i want everything and i want nothing...and it's weird...

i hope that everything works out...i guess if i keep a positive outlook it will...but it's getteing harder and harder to do these days and i'm not sure why...